This coming September, it will have been ten years since I found out I was going to be a mother. It was a very exciting time in my life. I was a newlywed. We had been married a little over 6 months. I had a job I thoroughly enjoyed, and was serious about pursuing a career in accounting. We had discussed not having children for a very long time. We were on the eight year plan. However, the news of a baby was very exciting. At that moment in time, I could not begin to imagine life as a mother.
I had my heart set on a little girl. I found myself in the baby section at Target. Somehow my eyes would navigate toward the pink. I would peruse The Children's Place, Gymboree, and Baby Gap. Automatically my feet would take me to the little girls' section. I would see mommies with baby girls and my heart would melt. I wanted a baby girl. I wanted to dress her in pink ruffles. I wanted to put bows up in her hair. I wanted darling shoes on her feet. I wanted a pink stroller and matching pink car seat. I wanted pink blankets and pink teddy bears.
I spent months hoping the baby would be a girl! I started having preterm labor at 20 weeks gestation. An average pregnancy ends at 40 weeks. The baby was only about 14-16 ounces. Being born at 20 weeks is fatal. Every week prognosis increases slightly. A baby born after 28 weeks will typically do well after months in the NICU, on a respirator, under heating lamps, and attached to a feeding tube. A baby born after 33 weeks can do very well. Babies born after 36 weeks have the best chances at a healthy hospital stay and typically go home when Mommy is released. This little baby needed to stay put. The day the preterm labor began I went in for an ultrasound. The first time I saw the little peanut, the baby was about the size of a pea pod. This time we could see baby yawns, grimaces, and thumb sucking! We saw a healthy baby. The technician asked if we would like to know the baby's gender. I just knew the baby was a girl. Her name was going to be Grace! The technician remarked, "It's a boy!" I thought to myself, "No, that must simply be the umbilical cord." I continued to live in denial. I had a few more ultrasounds. Every time I would convince the technician to take a look at the gender. I really thought each time they saw the umbilical cord. I was in denial.
Of course I knew in reality this little baby was a boy. But my heart was set on Grace. The little boy's middle name, John, would be as close to Grace as I would get! Tim despised the name Grace. He couldn't understand why the name was so dear to my heart. So I settled in my heart since John means God gives grace, that His grace is more than sufficient.
Shortly after the 20 week ultrasound, I had a dream. In the dream I was sitting in a white kitchen spoon feeding the most gorgeous baby girl. She had dark curly thick hair. Her eyes were the most brilliant green. Her complexion was fair and beautiful. She and I giggled as I fed her some cereal. I knew her name was Grace. She was Grace. I wanted Grace.
16 weeks after the ultrasound Timothy John Barry II made his debut via c-section. He was breech. He was the most handsome baby I had ever seen. I don't remember much about his delivery or the first couple of days after he was born because of the morphine. The few things I do remember will be forever etched in my memory. I remember the first time I saw him. They lifted him over the sheet that thankfully impeded my view of them cutting open my abdomen. I still remember the way he stretched, squeezed his eyes tight and pursed his lips together. It was the most precious look I had ever seen. He began to cry as they laid him on the heating table. The only other thing I remember is the Midwife commenting that my uterus was the most incredible uterus she had ever seen. "Why thank you, Doc! No one's ever complimented me on my uterus!" I am sure they tell all the c-section mommies that! She also said, "Lenee, the scar is going to look fantastic! I made sure we did a little incision. No one will even notice it!" I thought, well, I should hope not! I could not imagine myself showing off my incision to just everyone.
After a couple hours in recovery, I was wheeled to my room. Timmy had been taken to the NICU because he was 4 weeks early. He had low blood sugar. He was also having a hard time keeping his temperature up. I arrived to an empty room. I was eager to see the little baby. The nurse convinced me to get some sleep. Considering the excitement it was easy to fall asleep. A few hours later a different nurse woke me up, and laid Timmy on the bed. I looked at him, and said, "Okay, and.... now what?" She replied, "Well, you can hold him. Don't worry it will come naturally. Call us if you need anything." I thought, "Yea, I need help! I have no clue what to do!" I finally got up the nerve to pick him up. Believe it or not, I did not break him! The nurse was right. It comes naturally. In those first moments I experienced God's grace in a real life tangible way. I did not deserve the gift I received in Timmy. I realized as I looked at this fresh, perfect little baby boy that God gives GRACE. God gave me Grace. It was not what I expected but it was His grace. He gave me what I did not deserve. I did not earn the right to be a mother. He gave me a precious gift.
I did not realize how God would lavish me with grace over the next decade. Five children later, His gift of grace has proven more than sufficient. I was 16 when my mom sat me down and explained I would probably never have children naturally. Now, when I lose my patience, all I can do is laugh because I was not supposed to be able to have these children. They are His gifts, His grace in my life.
Through the children, especially in this season as a single mother, I am becoming Grace. I am learning to take everything in stride. I am learning to lean on the Lord as His love and grace breaths life into my heart and body. I am learning that Bono's rendition of 'Grace' says it all. This song is the reason why I wanted a baby girl named Grace. It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard.
Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace
It`s a name for a girl
It`s also a thought that
Changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything
Grace
She`s got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She`s got the time to talk
She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything
Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips
She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty
In everything
Grace finds goodness
In everything
Now more than ever I am thankful for grace. His grace as become my way of life. I have become Grace in a sense. The past decade has been exceedingly challenging. It was heart wrenching. However, it was the trials of the past ten years that have set in stone my need for His grace and love. I would not trade my six blessings of grace for anything. Perhaps I could have avoided most of the pain experienced. However, I know I would have missed the point of His gift of grace had life been nearly pristine. Grace is a beautiful thing!
I still dream about the fair skinned, dark curly haired, green eyed chubby little girl named Grace.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Jesus, Hold me Together
Fairly recently, I heard a message illustrating Christ's cohesive nature as the protein molecule Laminin. In simplicity it is the fundamental protein created to hold most cells, tissue, and organs together. It is much like cellular glue. It's chemical makeup resembles a cross. Louie Giglio used it to illustrate the function of Jesus in unifying believers, but also in simply holding together creation. He came under criticism by Dr. Purdom with Answers in Genesis. I understand her criticism. She believes it to be demeaning to God, the Creator, for believers to use something created to express His divine nature. While this seems rational, I strongly disagree with her statement. Truthfully, I believe the spirit behind her statement was that of contention.
Louie Giglio's message has been well accepted, and in fact changed lives, and brought the truth of the Gospel near hearts. While I respect the work of Answers in Genesis it is my firm belief that edifying and building up the body through encouraging "competing" ministries would be much more beneficial for spreading the pure Gospel.
Now that I have opened a can of worms, I would like to share something that has absolutely nothing to do with Laminin, Louie Giglio, or Answers in Genesis. I just wanted to bore you to death by sounding like I knew something clever. I, in fact, know nothing at all! All I know is 'Jesus Crucified', and He is alive. Do I really care about what Dr. Purdom or Answers in Genesis has to say about others in the body of Christ? Not at all. Truthfully, the laminin molecule is pretty neat. I did get goose bumps listening to Louie's message. God is above all things, and will use all things. I do not discredit what Louie shared. I think it was fabulous. His point was simple, Jesus not only has the whole world in His hands. Jesus, the Gospel holds all of creation together. I get excited when I think about that. But why? Because Jesus holds me together. That is why I do not care to hear Dr. Purdom's criticism of his message and ideas. Yes, she is entitled to her own opinion. But believe me, Dr. Purdom, with all due respect, I do think Jesus, God Himself is quite big enough to not take offense to Louie's illustration. I know my personal Jesus would honestly think Louie's idea to be incredibly neat.
"Jesus, hold me together!" Last night I had a conversation with a sweet friend about the pure essence of the Gospel, Jesus. Jesus is the Gospel. It is the Gospel which holds me together, keeps my heart steady. Jesus holds me together. Without the pure essence of the Gospel, the Word of God, Jesus, I would be falling apart. It is a complete mystery that I am where I am in my life and doing as well as I am at this moment. I am a single mother of six fantastic children under the age of 9. Not only are we surviving, we are thriving! My Jesus is holding me together. Not only are we breathing we are singing! My Jesus is holding me together. Not only are we moving we are dancing! Because, why? My Jesus is holding me together. Without His Word in my life, without the Gospel in my life I would be dead. To me death is surviving, barely breathing, and simply moving when I could be dancing! My Jesus is holding me together.
One of my favorite Psalms is 73. I was reminded of verses 23-28.
25 Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
26 My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 For indeed, those who are far from You shall perish;
You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God;
I have put my trust in the Lord GOD,
That I may declare all Your works.
Without my Jesus, I would perish. Without the Gospel, I would starve to death. Jesus speaks the truth when He said, "Eat of me. For I am the bread of life." The Gospel is the LIFE of Christ. The Gospel is the very bread of LIFE. The Gospel is Jesus. He is my portion. He holds me together, and sustains my life. He strengthens me. Without Him, I would be dead. I am a single mother of six under age nine. I would be perishing, starving, dying.
I cry, "Jesus, hold me together." Does my Jesus have an answer? Does the Gospel give any riposte? His comeback is always, "Trust me." Is the Man wrapped in the Gospel trustworthy? I have found Him to be more than faithful because He has held me together with His everlasting kindness and love. There is no other hope but the Gospel Man, Jesus.
Psalms 33:18-22
18 Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy,
19 To deliver their soul from death,
And to keep them alive in famine.
20 Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
22 Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.
Dear friends, it is a mystery that the children and I are doing well. Simply, Jesus holds me together. Dr. Purdom, with all due respect, I completely disagree with your heart felt criticism. If God can use a little molecule to illustrate His life giving nature, sustaining grace, who are we to argue with Him?
If you are interested, this is a clip from Louie's message.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4zgJXPpI4
Louie Giglio's message has been well accepted, and in fact changed lives, and brought the truth of the Gospel near hearts. While I respect the work of Answers in Genesis it is my firm belief that edifying and building up the body through encouraging "competing" ministries would be much more beneficial for spreading the pure Gospel.
Now that I have opened a can of worms, I would like to share something that has absolutely nothing to do with Laminin, Louie Giglio, or Answers in Genesis. I just wanted to bore you to death by sounding like I knew something clever. I, in fact, know nothing at all! All I know is 'Jesus Crucified', and He is alive. Do I really care about what Dr. Purdom or Answers in Genesis has to say about others in the body of Christ? Not at all. Truthfully, the laminin molecule is pretty neat. I did get goose bumps listening to Louie's message. God is above all things, and will use all things. I do not discredit what Louie shared. I think it was fabulous. His point was simple, Jesus not only has the whole world in His hands. Jesus, the Gospel holds all of creation together. I get excited when I think about that. But why? Because Jesus holds me together. That is why I do not care to hear Dr. Purdom's criticism of his message and ideas. Yes, she is entitled to her own opinion. But believe me, Dr. Purdom, with all due respect, I do think Jesus, God Himself is quite big enough to not take offense to Louie's illustration. I know my personal Jesus would honestly think Louie's idea to be incredibly neat.
"Jesus, hold me together!" Last night I had a conversation with a sweet friend about the pure essence of the Gospel, Jesus. Jesus is the Gospel. It is the Gospel which holds me together, keeps my heart steady. Jesus holds me together. Without the pure essence of the Gospel, the Word of God, Jesus, I would be falling apart. It is a complete mystery that I am where I am in my life and doing as well as I am at this moment. I am a single mother of six fantastic children under the age of 9. Not only are we surviving, we are thriving! My Jesus is holding me together. Not only are we breathing we are singing! My Jesus is holding me together. Not only are we moving we are dancing! Because, why? My Jesus is holding me together. Without His Word in my life, without the Gospel in my life I would be dead. To me death is surviving, barely breathing, and simply moving when I could be dancing! My Jesus is holding me together.
One of my favorite Psalms is 73. I was reminded of verses 23-28.
25 Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
26 My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 For indeed, those who are far from You shall perish;
You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God;
I have put my trust in the Lord GOD,
That I may declare all Your works.
Without my Jesus, I would perish. Without the Gospel, I would starve to death. Jesus speaks the truth when He said, "Eat of me. For I am the bread of life." The Gospel is the LIFE of Christ. The Gospel is the very bread of LIFE. The Gospel is Jesus. He is my portion. He holds me together, and sustains my life. He strengthens me. Without Him, I would be dead. I am a single mother of six under age nine. I would be perishing, starving, dying.
I cry, "Jesus, hold me together." Does my Jesus have an answer? Does the Gospel give any riposte? His comeback is always, "Trust me." Is the Man wrapped in the Gospel trustworthy? I have found Him to be more than faithful because He has held me together with His everlasting kindness and love. There is no other hope but the Gospel Man, Jesus.
Psalms 33:18-22
18 Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy,
19 To deliver their soul from death,
And to keep them alive in famine.
20 Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
22 Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.
Dear friends, it is a mystery that the children and I are doing well. Simply, Jesus holds me together. Dr. Purdom, with all due respect, I completely disagree with your heart felt criticism. If God can use a little molecule to illustrate His life giving nature, sustaining grace, who are we to argue with Him?
If you are interested, this is a clip from Louie's message.
http://www.youtube.com/wat
Hephzibah, My Delight is in Her
My sweet friends, God does not cause sorrow. Living in a sinful and fallen world causes suffering. Sometimes the response to poor choices is sadness. God gives life, and life abundant. It is mankind's depravity that leads to death. Neither our generation, nor the generations before us have received a world of perfection. Nor will we bestow upon our children a perfect life. However, we have a God who takes great pleasure in fixing broken things, healing wounds, creating beauty from the ash heap, growing gardens where once there lay dead rose bushes, establishing rivers in the desert, turning water into wine, breathing life on dry bones causing them to stand up and put on flesh and return to grieving wives and children, collecting tears in bottles and restoring everything that has been stolen. This is what my God does. He does not repay evil for evil, for He knows the day of wrath is coming. Rather, He speaks a message of Faith, Hope and Love. He desires to be a safe place, a place of rest and refuge for those who are castaway, beaten, forsaken, and forgotten. He did not cause your pain. He is not punishing you for disobedience. Disobedience warrants its own consequence. He does not purpose disaster in our lives to draw us to His breast. But He sees the roads and paths we choose and He has a plan to do what He does best, move us to a safe place of peace and rest.
Three years ago I would have told you that God purposes all things in our life to draw us to a place of relent and surrender. But it is not true. For that would mean that He causes disaster. There is a fine line between that and what I have stated above. It took three years of craftily trying to manipulate the love of God beckoning my own will above His to realize His will for my life is far better than any fantasy I could dream up. His will for my life is His delight.
Her name is Hephzibah. She is beautiful. She is the woman every woman wishes she could be and every man finds to be a mystery. She is you, my friend. It is not her pristine garment, nor her precious gemstones set in pure silver and gold placed upon her head, neck and fingers. It is not her perfect hair, or brilliant complexion, nor is it her figure that never seems to change regardless of how much dark chocolate she indulges. She knows to whom she belongs. She knows her name. And she knows she is His delight. Her name is Hephzibah Beulah, meaning, "My delight is in her, I AM her Husband".
This is not the life you would have chosen. No one walks down the isle on their wedding day planning their divorce. No one sees it coming. Maybe after the fact we look back and say, "I saw it coming. I should have known better." But in reality, on that day, it is usually the furthest thing from our minds. For those of us that did sit in the Bride's room and think, "God, is this really the life you have for me?" It was a fleeting thought that was quickly tucked deep into our hearts becoming a dirty little secret we hoped would never be found out. At any rate, we found the composure to grab our Daddy's arm, or for me, my Daddys' arms and walk down the isle, only to be given away to men that would someday cast away, beat, forsake, and forget us. We kiss the soon to be betrayer, turn to be introduced for the first time as MRS, and run out of the Church with high hopes of beginning our happily ever after.
Days, weeks, months, years, memories and children later you sit in a room alone, with truth and lies. You remember the frustration of sorting truth from lies. Anger storms open the door and kicks the boxes that have been sorted. Eventually you deal with anger. Again you begin sorting truth from lies. Denial waltzes in the door, glides across the floor and whisks you out of your seat. The sorting is forgotten. The dance with denial is as short lived as the romance with the betrayer. The boxes of truth and lies begin to pile up once again. Eventually the truth is sorted from the lies, and depression stealthily cracks open the door, and enters without welcome. And thus begins the fight to leave the bleak room full of boxes of truth and lies.
I am not sure when exactly depression entered that old bleak, white washed, drab room. Depression is a sneaky one. I think it was shortly after learning of Tim's affair in May of 2007 that I felt it's cold grip upon my shoulder. A chill fell across my heart, and life seemed dim and bleak. Depression offers many solutions to liven up one's countenance. There are drugs and alcohol, elicit sex, food, bad relationships, self hatred, and many others. For me, I had no place to run, and no place to hide. I ran to my Jesus. Here's the truth, Ladies. The only reason I ran to my Jesus was because I knew He was the only One that would not hurt me. How did I know this? Because He and I had developed a history of TRUST. I knew that I could trust Him.
Believe me, though I knew I could trust Him, I fought and tried to craftily manipulate His love to produce my own DESIRE and DELIGHT! I had my mind set on restoration with a man that was completely untrustworthy, manipulative and a heart that refused to surrender itself to the Lord's authority. Looking at it now I wonder why I fought so hard to save something that was death to me and my children. Perhaps it was pressure from the Church, well-meaning friends and family. More than likely it was my idea of perfection. I am a child of divorce. I desired to live the rest of my life with my husband and the father of my children simply because that would be perfect! God's idea of perfection is not my idea of perfection. After taking Tim back with little more than a faint "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I discovered I was pregnant with our sixth child. Four months later it was obvious Tim's delight was not in God, me or his children.
God rescued me from that empty room full of lies mingled with truth. In the period of one weekend God ransomed me back from a man that stole my heart and broke it and I found myself 1500 miles away from where the crime was committed, safe in my parents' home. It was evidence to me that God is a God who is faithful, and good. Therefore, He is a God in whom I can and will trust. Through the series of not short of miraculous events the depression lost its grip on my shoulder simply because God is faithful, and I chose to relent to His faithfulness. God also placed faithful friends and family in my life to carry me through the darkest days. He is a God who DELIGHTS in me.
So you say I think it's all about me? No, sweet friend this is all about you. You are no longer forsaken. Your husband left you but that does not mean you are deserted. Your children are not cursed because they have been tossed aside by the man who was meant to protect them. There is One more faithful than the best husband in all the earth, and He delights in you!
I recently read a verse in Jeremiah 8. The Lord declared to the ancient nation of Judah shortly before Jerusalem was destroyed that because the men rejected Him He would take their wives and their lands and give them to other men to enjoy. God said, "Hey, since you don't like what I've already given you, and you've broken the promise you made with me, and the promise you made with your wife, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to let you go do what you want to do. But I'm going to take your wife, the woman you asked me to bring into your life, the woman you decided was not enough, and I'm going to give her, her children, and your property to a man that will take delight in the gifts I intended originally for you."
You say, "But Lenee, where is this man?" Friend, this Man is God. He is Jesus Christ. This is what He promises to you in Isaiah 54,
"4"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5 For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6 For the LORD has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
He continues to say this about you and your children.
13 All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15 If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD
and their vindication from me, declares the LORD."
Friend, these are the things that got me through the darkest days of my life. When everything else in my life was crumbling, His promises were the things that kept me alive. To hear Him call me Hephzibah Beulah was all it took to know that I am well loved and taken care of. There is no explanation as to why my six children and I have a nice roof over our heads, beds to sleep in, food in our pantry, and comfort. We have more than we need. We have more than we could ask for. And there are days I cry because we are so incredibly blessed. I cry and I ask God, "God, why do you love me and bless me like you do?" I hear Him whisper to my heart, "Because you receive it and you know you are My Hephzibah Beulah. My delight is in you, you are mine!"
Hephzibah is Hebrew for His delight is in her. Beulah means, "To be a husband over" or "To marry" in Hebrew. What is interesting is the Hebrew word anog means delicate woman. The divorced woman is fragile in the eyes of the Lord. And when she runs to Him and is vulnerable to Him, He sees her as delicate, as anog. This is from the root word anag, meaning delight. It is used in the verses such as Psalms 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Or Psalms 37:11, "But the meek will inherit the earth and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace." Hephzibah Beulah is a delicate woman with her Husband, the Lord. She is meek with her Beloved because she knows He delights in her.
I know many of my friends and family have been concerned about my love affair with Joshua Carpenter. I must confess that I made up an FB profile for Him. For those of my friends who have participated in my fanciful delusion of Jesus Christ having an FB, thank you! For my friends and family that have bore with me through the grieving process and ran with me through the chaos of the past few months of training and climbing Mount Singleton, thank you. For those who will be journeying onward and upward with me through the next season of my life, you are precious and very close to my heart. Thank you. To my future Beulah, you will have to arm wrestle Joshua Carpenter if you delight in me. May He stir up and awaken love. For my single mommies, and sisterhood of divorcees, I love you. May your hearts be lovesick for your Husband, your God and King. And may you and your children live full of joy every day, and sleep in peace every night. May in due season your faithfulness to the Lord be rewarded through the most divinely appointed romance you could never dream up! From this day forward may you make wise decisions regarding your heart just as Hephzibah Beulah. She is delicate and full of grace. She chooses wisely because she knows to whom she belongs. And she is confident in His love, and well aware that she is His delight!
Three years ago I would have told you that God purposes all things in our life to draw us to a place of relent and surrender. But it is not true. For that would mean that He causes disaster. There is a fine line between that and what I have stated above. It took three years of craftily trying to manipulate the love of God beckoning my own will above His to realize His will for my life is far better than any fantasy I could dream up. His will for my life is His delight.
Her name is Hephzibah. She is beautiful. She is the woman every woman wishes she could be and every man finds to be a mystery. She is you, my friend. It is not her pristine garment, nor her precious gemstones set in pure silver and gold placed upon her head, neck and fingers. It is not her perfect hair, or brilliant complexion, nor is it her figure that never seems to change regardless of how much dark chocolate she indulges. She knows to whom she belongs. She knows her name. And she knows she is His delight. Her name is Hephzibah Beulah, meaning, "My delight is in her, I AM her Husband".
This is not the life you would have chosen. No one walks down the isle on their wedding day planning their divorce. No one sees it coming. Maybe after the fact we look back and say, "I saw it coming. I should have known better." But in reality, on that day, it is usually the furthest thing from our minds. For those of us that did sit in the Bride's room and think, "God, is this really the life you have for me?" It was a fleeting thought that was quickly tucked deep into our hearts becoming a dirty little secret we hoped would never be found out. At any rate, we found the composure to grab our Daddy's arm, or for me, my Daddys' arms and walk down the isle, only to be given away to men that would someday cast away, beat, forsake, and forget us. We kiss the soon to be betrayer, turn to be introduced for the first time as MRS, and run out of the Church with high hopes of beginning our happily ever after.
Days, weeks, months, years, memories and children later you sit in a room alone, with truth and lies. You remember the frustration of sorting truth from lies. Anger storms open the door and kicks the boxes that have been sorted. Eventually you deal with anger. Again you begin sorting truth from lies. Denial waltzes in the door, glides across the floor and whisks you out of your seat. The sorting is forgotten. The dance with denial is as short lived as the romance with the betrayer. The boxes of truth and lies begin to pile up once again. Eventually the truth is sorted from the lies, and depression stealthily cracks open the door, and enters without welcome. And thus begins the fight to leave the bleak room full of boxes of truth and lies.
I am not sure when exactly depression entered that old bleak, white washed, drab room. Depression is a sneaky one. I think it was shortly after learning of Tim's affair in May of 2007 that I felt it's cold grip upon my shoulder. A chill fell across my heart, and life seemed dim and bleak. Depression offers many solutions to liven up one's countenance. There are drugs and alcohol, elicit sex, food, bad relationships, self hatred, and many others. For me, I had no place to run, and no place to hide. I ran to my Jesus. Here's the truth, Ladies. The only reason I ran to my Jesus was because I knew He was the only One that would not hurt me. How did I know this? Because He and I had developed a history of TRUST. I knew that I could trust Him.
Believe me, though I knew I could trust Him, I fought and tried to craftily manipulate His love to produce my own DESIRE and DELIGHT! I had my mind set on restoration with a man that was completely untrustworthy, manipulative and a heart that refused to surrender itself to the Lord's authority. Looking at it now I wonder why I fought so hard to save something that was death to me and my children. Perhaps it was pressure from the Church, well-meaning friends and family. More than likely it was my idea of perfection. I am a child of divorce. I desired to live the rest of my life with my husband and the father of my children simply because that would be perfect! God's idea of perfection is not my idea of perfection. After taking Tim back with little more than a faint "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I discovered I was pregnant with our sixth child. Four months later it was obvious Tim's delight was not in God, me or his children.
God rescued me from that empty room full of lies mingled with truth. In the period of one weekend God ransomed me back from a man that stole my heart and broke it and I found myself 1500 miles away from where the crime was committed, safe in my parents' home. It was evidence to me that God is a God who is faithful, and good. Therefore, He is a God in whom I can and will trust. Through the series of not short of miraculous events the depression lost its grip on my shoulder simply because God is faithful, and I chose to relent to His faithfulness. God also placed faithful friends and family in my life to carry me through the darkest days. He is a God who DELIGHTS in me.
So you say I think it's all about me? No, sweet friend this is all about you. You are no longer forsaken. Your husband left you but that does not mean you are deserted. Your children are not cursed because they have been tossed aside by the man who was meant to protect them. There is One more faithful than the best husband in all the earth, and He delights in you!
I recently read a verse in Jeremiah 8. The Lord declared to the ancient nation of Judah shortly before Jerusalem was destroyed that because the men rejected Him He would take their wives and their lands and give them to other men to enjoy. God said, "Hey, since you don't like what I've already given you, and you've broken the promise you made with me, and the promise you made with your wife, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to let you go do what you want to do. But I'm going to take your wife, the woman you asked me to bring into your life, the woman you decided was not enough, and I'm going to give her, her children, and your property to a man that will take delight in the gifts I intended originally for you."
You say, "But Lenee, where is this man?" Friend, this Man is God. He is Jesus Christ. This is what He promises to you in Isaiah 54,
"4"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5 For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
6 For the LORD has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
He continues to say this about you and your children.
13 All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
and great shall be the peace of your children.
14In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
and from terror, for it shall not come near you.
15 If anyone stirs up strife,
it is not from me;
whoever stirs up strife with you
shall fall because of you.
16Behold, I have created the smith
who blows the fire of coals
and produces a weapon for its purpose.
I have also created the ravager to destroy;
17no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD
and their vindication from me, declares the LORD."
Friend, these are the things that got me through the darkest days of my life. When everything else in my life was crumbling, His promises were the things that kept me alive. To hear Him call me Hephzibah Beulah was all it took to know that I am well loved and taken care of. There is no explanation as to why my six children and I have a nice roof over our heads, beds to sleep in, food in our pantry, and comfort. We have more than we need. We have more than we could ask for. And there are days I cry because we are so incredibly blessed. I cry and I ask God, "God, why do you love me and bless me like you do?" I hear Him whisper to my heart, "Because you receive it and you know you are My Hephzibah Beulah. My delight is in you, you are mine!"
Hephzibah is Hebrew for His delight is in her. Beulah means, "To be a husband over" or "To marry" in Hebrew. What is interesting is the Hebrew word anog means delicate woman. The divorced woman is fragile in the eyes of the Lord. And when she runs to Him and is vulnerable to Him, He sees her as delicate, as anog. This is from the root word anag, meaning delight. It is used in the verses such as Psalms 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Or Psalms 37:11, "But the meek will inherit the earth and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace." Hephzibah Beulah is a delicate woman with her Husband, the Lord. She is meek with her Beloved because she knows He delights in her.
I know many of my friends and family have been concerned about my love affair with Joshua Carpenter. I must confess that I made up an FB profile for Him. For those of my friends who have participated in my fanciful delusion of Jesus Christ having an FB, thank you! For my friends and family that have bore with me through the grieving process and ran with me through the chaos of the past few months of training and climbing Mount Singleton, thank you. For those who will be journeying onward and upward with me through the next season of my life, you are precious and very close to my heart. Thank you. To my future Beulah, you will have to arm wrestle Joshua Carpenter if you delight in me. May He stir up and awaken love. For my single mommies, and sisterhood of divorcees, I love you. May your hearts be lovesick for your Husband, your God and King. And may you and your children live full of joy every day, and sleep in peace every night. May in due season your faithfulness to the Lord be rewarded through the most divinely appointed romance you could never dream up! From this day forward may you make wise decisions regarding your heart just as Hephzibah Beulah. She is delicate and full of grace. She chooses wisely because she knows to whom she belongs. And she is confident in His love, and well aware that she is His delight!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)