I recently shared with my friend, Aaron, that I feel as though I am waking from a ten year sleep. I awake to these little voices calling, “Mommy!” The odd thing about it is they are looking right at me when they call. I feel rather like Rip Van Winkle. But it is these little voices that call me back out from delusion into reality.
I have discovered that the world we live in is full of deception. We easily live the sleepy illusion. I have also found when I live the illusion my emotions are rather delusional. My friend Cass can attest to this. For example, life with Tim was nothing more than an illusion. Tim was an illusionist. Everyone in my family, and all of my friends could see through him. But there was nothing they could say or do to wake me from the delusional slumber of my heart. I was thoroughly convinced that if I did the right thing, said the right thing, looked the right way, or acted the right way maybe he would finally be faithful to me. At one point I would have rather died than let go of the delusion.
In 2003, I was a mere 98 pounds. My nickname was bones. The delusion nearly starved me to death. Yet, I clung to it for dear life. I held on to the very thing that desired to kill me. In 2007 after discovering his 3rd affair, and countless one night stands I risked contracting STDs while I was pregnant with our 5th child, Isaac, all for the sake of the delusion. Thankfully the hand of God protected my health and Isaac’s as well. In 2009, without thoroughly thinking through the consequences, my five children and I left our home, our stuff, our life, our friends, and our family to move across the United States to be with a man that confessed he could probably never be faithful to me but if I ever tried to leave again would kill me. Still, no one could convince me of the reality of Tim Barry. He was my world of deception, simply an illusion and I was living a delusion.
“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; Who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9 Who can know it? Who can know the delusion of my heart? God knows it! Outside of His love for me my heart is terribly deceitful. On the outside I keep it together. But on the inside, when my face is not pressed up against His my heart desires the delusion of an illusion. When I’m not smack dab in the middle of His plan for my life, living in grace through Him and His power I become the traitor selling Him for a cheap relationship. When the delusion passes I realize that not only did I betray and sell my King for cheap love, but I also sold myself back into slavery as a spiritual and emotional whore.
The Matrix is one of my all time favorite movies. There is this scene where the traitor, Cypher is meeting with the antagonist Smiths making plans to betray the heroes, Morpheus and his crew. While secretly plugged into the Matrix he takes a bite of steak and says, “I know that this steak doesn’t exist. I know when I put it in my mouth the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious.” He goes on to say, “Ignorance is bliss.” Cypher experienced and knew freedom, but sold himself short for pleasure that is nothing more than shackles on the ankles and chains on the wrists. Yes, maybe the Smiths could plug him back into the Matrix. He could go back to sleep, and forget reality ever happened. When I analyze his character it’s easy to see that love for freedom and his hero was never in him. And that’s what makes me different, and this is what keeps me from going back to sleep.
I finally woke up to the reality of the illusion when I was pregnant with Gabriella and discovered once again Tim had been unfaithful. The divorce was already in the works, but Tim was once again playing the illusionist and pulling out big tricks in order to manipulate the end product. He wanted to keep the illusion going and me delusional as the little woman, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Please don’t misunderstand me, I love my children, and I like baking. But I am a very willful woman. I do not believe that a woman’s primary reason for existence is to simply bare children, cook and clean. Yet, somehow while I was married to him I lost my identity in his illusion, believing these things were all there was in life. Tim would have had his way, and I would have once again sold my King’s plan for me, and my life for the illusion of Tim had it not been for a certain photo shoot with Emily Lewin and God giving me the “red pill”. She did the most amazing maternity set I have ever seen. Gabriella’s middle name is Joy. We wrote Joy on my pregnant belly in bright red. She showed me the preview 4 days before I was to go back to North Carolina to deal with the details of the house and the divorce. Everyone was extremely uneasy with the idea of me going back to North Carolina. They had the feeling that I would be quickly lulled back to sleep. I saw these pictures. And for the first time in my life I heard the Lord say to my heart, “Lenee, this is how I see you. You are precious and beautiful. Joy is written all over you.” This was the little red pill. It is the truth of who I am, and why He made me, and the truth about the illusion. The illusion was replaced by reality. His voice heard in my heart spoke love so deep to my soul that I could not return to my delusional life with Tim. What had once seemed like an illusion, God’s love and faithfulness toward me had just become reality. What previously seemed to be reality, Tim’s love for me though he was drastically unfaithful, had been found out as the illusion. The man behind the curtain had been discovered.
I took the “red pill”. I was aborted into the upside down world of God’s economy of love. Unlike Cypher there is no looking back. Once lines are crossed there is no going back. It is evidence that not only does God know the deceitfulness of my heart, He also is the cure. Yes, my heart at times still feels the familiar tug of a good illusionist. But quickly the reality of God’s love break his enchanting spell. I’m never going back.
Curiously, in context the passage from Jeremiah 17 reads, “Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man that trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord. For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when good comes, but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land which is not inhabited. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; But its leaves will be green and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it? I the Lord search the heart, and test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his labors.” Though I am trapped in this dying body and all of the world’s deception surrounds me, I am trusting in the Lord and He is my only hope. I have settled inside of myself that I would rather die than give up my freedom. I would rather be alone and misunderstood than trade my King’s love for the unfaithful love of a man.
That being said, as I navigate singleness I am abundantly blessed with the six little voices reminding me of God’s love and faithfulness. I know there are many in the camp that believe divorced women may not marry again, even if they have “biblical“ grounds for divorce. I have dear friends that believe this to be scripturally true. I’ve wrestled over it, and dug through the scriptures and several books. I do believe 1 Corinthians 7 does support remarriage if a spouse departs, (abandonment) and also if there is adultery. I’ve received much pastoral counsel that agrees. Still, with that in mind, I would rather live a peaceful, healthy, fulfilling, life full of His freedom with occasional feeling of loneliness the single life brings than to be married to an illusionist and sleeping in the delusion of cheap and unfaithful love. Rip Van Winkle may not have learned his lesson, but I definitely have!
And just so I am not misunderstood, I do desire to remarry someday only, ONLY, if the Lord has truly planned to give me to another man who is not an illusionist. I won’t accept anything less than His plan for my life. Sleepy delusions and fake steak are just not worth it to me when compared to how much He loves me. John Fitch is right, but truthfully I called him a jerk when he shared this with me. A guy that knows how to dress needs to be with a fashion savvy woman. He's not really that shallow. I know he believes there is more to it than simply fashion and good looks. That’s his idea of being equally yoked. I guess that means I need a man with GREAT hair because I have absolutely incredible hair!
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