This coming September, it will have been ten years since I found out I was going to be a mother. It was a very exciting time in my life. I was a newlywed. We had been married a little over 6 months. I had a job I thoroughly enjoyed, and was serious about pursuing a career in accounting. We had discussed not having children for a very long time. We were on the eight year plan. However, the news of a baby was very exciting. At that moment in time, I could not begin to imagine life as a mother.
I had my heart set on a little girl. I found myself in the baby section at Target. Somehow my eyes would navigate toward the pink. I would peruse The Children's Place, Gymboree, and Baby Gap. Automatically my feet would take me to the little girls' section. I would see mommies with baby girls and my heart would melt. I wanted a baby girl. I wanted to dress her in pink ruffles. I wanted to put bows up in her hair. I wanted darling shoes on her feet. I wanted a pink stroller and matching pink car seat. I wanted pink blankets and pink teddy bears.
I spent months hoping the baby would be a girl! I started having preterm labor at 20 weeks gestation. An average pregnancy ends at 40 weeks. The baby was only about 14-16 ounces. Being born at 20 weeks is fatal. Every week prognosis increases slightly. A baby born after 28 weeks will typically do well after months in the NICU, on a respirator, under heating lamps, and attached to a feeding tube. A baby born after 33 weeks can do very well. Babies born after 36 weeks have the best chances at a healthy hospital stay and typically go home when Mommy is released. This little baby needed to stay put. The day the preterm labor began I went in for an ultrasound. The first time I saw the little peanut, the baby was about the size of a pea pod. This time we could see baby yawns, grimaces, and thumb sucking! We saw a healthy baby. The technician asked if we would like to know the baby's gender. I just knew the baby was a girl. Her name was going to be Grace! The technician remarked, "It's a boy!" I thought to myself, "No, that must simply be the umbilical cord." I continued to live in denial. I had a few more ultrasounds. Every time I would convince the technician to take a look at the gender. I really thought each time they saw the umbilical cord. I was in denial.
Of course I knew in reality this little baby was a boy. But my heart was set on Grace. The little boy's middle name, John, would be as close to Grace as I would get! Tim despised the name Grace. He couldn't understand why the name was so dear to my heart. So I settled in my heart since John means God gives grace, that His grace is more than sufficient.
Shortly after the 20 week ultrasound, I had a dream. In the dream I was sitting in a white kitchen spoon feeding the most gorgeous baby girl. She had dark curly thick hair. Her eyes were the most brilliant green. Her complexion was fair and beautiful. She and I giggled as I fed her some cereal. I knew her name was Grace. She was Grace. I wanted Grace.
16 weeks after the ultrasound Timothy John Barry II made his debut via c-section. He was breech. He was the most handsome baby I had ever seen. I don't remember much about his delivery or the first couple of days after he was born because of the morphine. The few things I do remember will be forever etched in my memory. I remember the first time I saw him. They lifted him over the sheet that thankfully impeded my view of them cutting open my abdomen. I still remember the way he stretched, squeezed his eyes tight and pursed his lips together. It was the most precious look I had ever seen. He began to cry as they laid him on the heating table. The only other thing I remember is the Midwife commenting that my uterus was the most incredible uterus she had ever seen. "Why thank you, Doc! No one's ever complimented me on my uterus!" I am sure they tell all the c-section mommies that! She also said, "Lenee, the scar is going to look fantastic! I made sure we did a little incision. No one will even notice it!" I thought, well, I should hope not! I could not imagine myself showing off my incision to just everyone.
After a couple hours in recovery, I was wheeled to my room. Timmy had been taken to the NICU because he was 4 weeks early. He had low blood sugar. He was also having a hard time keeping his temperature up. I arrived to an empty room. I was eager to see the little baby. The nurse convinced me to get some sleep. Considering the excitement it was easy to fall asleep. A few hours later a different nurse woke me up, and laid Timmy on the bed. I looked at him, and said, "Okay, and.... now what?" She replied, "Well, you can hold him. Don't worry it will come naturally. Call us if you need anything." I thought, "Yea, I need help! I have no clue what to do!" I finally got up the nerve to pick him up. Believe it or not, I did not break him! The nurse was right. It comes naturally. In those first moments I experienced God's grace in a real life tangible way. I did not deserve the gift I received in Timmy. I realized as I looked at this fresh, perfect little baby boy that God gives GRACE. God gave me Grace. It was not what I expected but it was His grace. He gave me what I did not deserve. I did not earn the right to be a mother. He gave me a precious gift.
I did not realize how God would lavish me with grace over the next decade. Five children later, His gift of grace has proven more than sufficient. I was 16 when my mom sat me down and explained I would probably never have children naturally. Now, when I lose my patience, all I can do is laugh because I was not supposed to be able to have these children. They are His gifts, His grace in my life.
Through the children, especially in this season as a single mother, I am becoming Grace. I am learning to take everything in stride. I am learning to lean on the Lord as His love and grace breaths life into my heart and body. I am learning that Bono's rendition of 'Grace' says it all. This song is the reason why I wanted a baby girl named Grace. It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard.
Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace
It`s a name for a girl
It`s also a thought that
Changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything
Grace
She`s got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She`s got the time to talk
She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything
Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips
She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty
In everything
Grace finds goodness
In everything
Now more than ever I am thankful for grace. His grace as become my way of life. I have become Grace in a sense. The past decade has been exceedingly challenging. It was heart wrenching. However, it was the trials of the past ten years that have set in stone my need for His grace and love. I would not trade my six blessings of grace for anything. Perhaps I could have avoided most of the pain experienced. However, I know I would have missed the point of His gift of grace had life been nearly pristine. Grace is a beautiful thing!
I still dream about the fair skinned, dark curly haired, green eyed chubby little girl named Grace.
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